Waiting & Expectations

It's so easy to be disappointed in our mates when they don't understand us, leave their socks on the floor, the toilet seat up or just because they don't know what we are thinking. (What are we thinking?)

God's design is for us to be Holy, not just happy. Knowing that God has given me the right mate to accomplish His purposes in my life helps me when conflict arises. I endeavour to ask the question, "What does God want me to learn in this situation?" Oftentimes it's simple: He wants to reinforce the fact that men and women are different and that is good. Exploring those differences helps us understand where 'our significant other' is coming from.

Case in point: One area of contention in our home has been that of 'waiting'. Just yesterday, I talked to my husband Bob, who said he was ready for me to pick him up from work. (We work with one vehicle until motorcycle weather.) When I arrived at his workplace five minutes later, he had gone on another short run. I had to wait. I convinced myself, in only seconds, that I didn't mind the wait, but what I did mind was the fact that he always says that he has to wait for me, and rarely, if ever, do I have to wait for him. I can't tell you how many years this has frustrated me (what I really mean is: it makes me MAD).

Since I was in the middle of this blog (Thanks God, for your clear sense of humour), I asked the Lord to show me what I needed to learn. After all, after forty years together, I should have it all together.

"AHA"- a light went on and God delivered on His promise to give wisdom when I ask. (James 1:5) The revelation was that each of us was coming from a "different frame of reference." For me, waiting is when a time has been set ("I'm ready NOW” or “Supper is at 5:30 and if you're not here, I'm waiting”)

For Bob, if we are going somewhere and he's ready first, he's waiting for me. Or at church, where I love to visit, if I'm not finished talking (!!!), he again is waiting. Of course, I began to see why he felt like he spends so much time waiting for me.

Since I've also learned (reluctantly) that he is not a mind reader, I confronted him this morning about my revelation. It opened up a great discussion and both of us could see that our idea of waiting was totally different. At the end of our friendly conversation, we both agreed that we need to make clarity a priority.

God's purpose is for me to discover that my mate cannot meet all my needs and I shouldn't expect him to. What I can expect, though, is that God, through Christ, can meet all my needs and be my eternal bridegroom. As I look to God for fulfillment, I can then treat my mate the way God intended: with love and respect. Perhaps then, a clearer picture of God's love for His bride will emerge from my marriage.

Let's talk about this area of our significant other. I'm sure together, we could strengthen one another and make the journey lighter. I want to hear from you.

Princesses and Knights in Shining Armour

As I pondered how to begin this topic of significant other, I had a startling thought: "My marriage may be the only picture some people see, to help them understand God's love for His bride."

If that is true, what are those watching learning about God as they look in on my relationship with my husband? Is it the truth about God's love? I sure want to paint a beautiful rosy portrait, but honestly, I fall short in this area of closest human relationships. (No surprise there!)

But who is it that needs to change to make this happen? Any attempt to change my mate has shown me that it is like "trying to catch a squirrel by chasing it." Since that's a futile effort, I'll work on what I can control, changing myself.

The first change needs to be from my natural tendency of selfishness to God's call to selflessness. Now that's not natural. But then again, my life in Christ is not a call to the natural but the supernatural. What I can't do in my strength, He can, as I give Him my weakness.
Sheila Gregoire writes in ChristianWeek (Feb 1,2009) "He (God) made us women to yearn to be princesses who need to be pursued, but He also gave our husbands the need to feel like knights in shining armour!"

Since I tend to emphasize the 'pursuing of the princess' from that quote, I'd like a change here. During this month as we celebrate love, I purposefully want to choose God's plan to forget myself (that doesn't mean neglect) and think of all the ways I could bless my mate.

Ways to make your mate feel like a Knight

Find out about your husbands' hobby or special interest.
I never ever wanted to ride a motorcycle but when Bob retired, he purchased one. Concerned that I'd be bored just riding behind him, but knowing I needed to give it a try, I put on a used helmet and jacket and off we went. It didn't take long for me to discover what I'd never have known if I'd gone by my own preconceived idea: I really enjoy motorcycling. Now we have a wonderful group of brand new supportive friends who all love the sport. On a recent plane flight, I read an article from one of his many cycling magazines and really found it interesting. (Reading one of those magazines has taken about ten years...oops! Need some work here.)
What does your mate enjoy in his free time? How can you connect?

Watch a favourite movie with him. (His choice and no complaints!)
Washroom breaks only!

Bake him a favourite cake or pie from scratch and let him have a piece whenever he wants it. How often have I made Bob a treat and then given the leftovers to someone else. Shame on me!What can you whip up? It's not that difficult.

Listen to what he is saying (undivided attention) endeavouring to hear his heart, not just the words he says. Have you ever misjudged your mate because of poor listening?

Forgive again and again
Ruth Bell Graham said" A good marriage is made up of two good forgivers."

What do you think of that comment?

I'd love to hear your responses to how you make your husband feel like a knight!

Ruth

I'm not like that...am I?

Not too long ago, I was utilizing the services of a life coach. (Just because I am one, doesn’t mean I can’t use some help now and then sorting out my own “stuff”.) She has amazing insight and was often able to put her finger right on something that needed attention. On one of our calls, I was voicing my frustrations around the fact that my husband, Kevin, wasn’t picking up after himself. (I’m sure no one can relate to that one!) Once I finished venting, she asked me, “So, how are you like that?”

“I’m not!” I adamantly replied. “I don’t leave my stuff all over the place. I am not like that and that is why it drives me crazy.”

She patiently listened to my defensive reply and then went on to explain that often the things that trigger our frustrations are traits that we don’t like about ourselves. While I usually valued her ideas and opinions, I knew she had to be dead wrong on this one. But I decided not to argue and we moved on to other things. But, even after the call -- in fact, over the next several days -- the question didn’t move on. It rang over and over in my mind. How am I like that? How am I like that? Like what? I don’t leave my socks on the floor….that’s just inconsiderate. Wait…inconsiderate. How am I inconsiderate? Bingo. That’s it! Sometimes I am inconsiderate. Sometimes I don’t return phone calls right away. Sometimes I forget to return borrowed items. Sometimes I say I will submit by Blog entry by Friday and then don’t send it until Monday. Yikes….I AM inconsiderate!

So, like a dog with its tail between its legs, I admitted to my coach (and more importantly to myself) that I possess some of the traits that I find most frustrating in others. OUCH. And that realization has brought a better understanding of grace and forgiveness. Perhaps it’s time to focus on the plank in my own eye and extend some grace to others – including my husband.

As iron sharpens iron, so one spouse sharpens another (Proverbs 27:17, my paraphrase).

How are you being sharpened in your relationships?

- Wendy